Yes, I'm still alive

I know I know, I haven't posted in almost two years. Sorry about that. Shortly after my last post I lost my position in Yellowstone, because I was sick too much. This forced me back to Michigan, a lack of insurance kept me from getting further tests and treatments, etc etc. A couple months after returning to Michigan, things went sour with my fiance. His loss, not mine. Around that same time I had gotten into the virtual world of Second Life. I met an amazing guy there. We had our ups and downs, his mother was diagnosed with cancer and we did break up for a bit, but we worked through everything. When his mother passed in the early spring last year, I traveled to Florida to help him sort through things, and we decided to make a real go of it. We sold the house, packed everything up, and headed north to be near the rest of his family in New Jersey.

We settled into a two bedroom apartment, acquired a golden retriever/yellow lab mix and an orange and white tabby cat, and made a life for ourselves. Except that I was sick. ALL. BLEEPING. FALL.  Then all freaking winter too!! I was finally able to get insurance this spring. I've been seeing a primary care doctor and a neurologist. I have my first gastroenterologist appointment tomorrow. I got new glasses too, but I still need to get in with a couple other specialists. I've yet to see a mental health professional but now that I'm getting healthy my moods are better too.

The bad news first: my cholesterol was high (well yeah, has been for years); my A1c was a hair high (not diabetic though, so that's awesome); and my blood pressure was REALLY REALLY high.

The great news though: I DO NOT HAVE MS!!!!! I have what's called Complicated Migraine Variables. It can pretty much mimic MS, but is controllable. I'm on meds for it (as well as for the cholesterol and blood pressure) that have helped a lot. I'm not having spasms and twitchyness anywhere near as much, just the occasional, far more normal twitches. My leg, arm, and face, no longer go numb or 'vanish'. I've even gotten feeling back on the outside of my left hand and pinky, and the outside of my left foot. I'm not even having as many headaches. My blood pressure is now pretty much under control too.

I'm still having some gastric issues and dizziness, but other than that I'm feeling worlds better than I did this winter. The last three days I've been up and about, cooking, cleaning, organizing a bit. Its been awesome to see Anthony's face when he comes home from work and sees that I've been actually doing stuff. He is the most amazing man I've ever had in my life. He stuck by and helped me through the worst months of my life, when I could barely walk from the living room to the bathroom, stayed at my side, waited on me, cooked for me, did the housework on top of working outside of the home. For the first time that I can remember I really feel as if I matter to someone.

On top of all of this, he's alright with me having a woman in my life. Ok well, we share her, but she and I are much closer than the two of them. We met her through Second Life, and she is coming to visit us next month. Rachel has been instrumental in my recovery, to be honest. Her encouragement and unwavering faith in me has meant so much. Not to say we haven't had our moments. We're both very emotional people, and so is Anthony. When we fight it can get intense, but once it's over and we're all good again, we find ourselves that much stronger for it. That is what love is all about, to me.

What a Year!

A year ago today I was a scared girl--yes, even at 30 I was just a girl, emotionally and mentally. I had just arrived at my grandfather's again having left my husband. I had no clue what I was going to do with my life, felt completely unloved and unworthy of being loved. My health was horrible and I was severely overweight. I couldn't even walk around Walmart for more than 5 minutes, much less go on a hike.

I had already been considering going to Yellowstone, at my brother's urging, but my husband had turned down the contract he was offered. Shortly after I arrived home I got an interview and an offer to go to Old Faithful. I took it. I was terrified, but somehow I felt it was the right thing to do and would be a healing experience. I was so right.

I arrived at Yellowstone on April 21, 2011. I was still terrified at that point...especially when the first girls I met going to the park were both skinny and pretty (looking at you here, Aliza !). Luckily they were also very friendly. I never did make it to Old Faithful for more than a day. Practically as soon as I arrived I got a better paying job in the Uniform Room down in Gardner, working as a seamstress. After a couple weeks of that not working well I was transferred to Laundry. I fully admit I almost quit at that point. I was having social issues, since I wasn't much of a partyer.

The stress from that as well as the noise, heat, and lifting I was having to deal with in the laundry were making me very sick. I went to my manager and told her I had to get out. I could not take it there. She said she would see if she could find me anywhere else, and I flat out said if she couldn't I would quit. I hated myself in that moment. I was weak, I was sick, and I felt so unworthy of anyone and anything.

That afternoon I had an interview with John in Reservations. I don't think he knows this, but he saved my life by taking the risk of bringing me up there. I think another week down at Gardiner would have killed me...either I would get sicker or I'd get weaker and kill myself.  I made some of the best friends of my life in Reservations, and they helped me through a LOT last summer. I started losing weight, walking more, and making healthier choices for the most part.

I still got sick and had migraines a lot the first couple months. Stress from a family situation and the fact that I still had not accepted myself didn't help that much. I thought the family situation would break me but ironically (Is that the right use of that word, even?) it made me stronger. It was telling this family member "I'm sorry, but I can not take care of you until I learn to take care of myself. I have to have a handle on my OWN life before I can help you through your problems" and then putting the situation in the hands of people who could get them the help needed which made me see that I COULD be strong and make the right choices for me.

That was around the time I finally decided that I also deserved to feel loved, by myself if no one else. I started taking better care of my hygine, learning how to fix my hair, and learning to be PROUD of who I am, how I look, and what talents I had. Even when a guy I liked a lot turned me down for various reasons, I didn't let it get to me. Ok well maybe I did a LITTLE...but he and I stayed good friends and I look forward to seeing him this coming summer.

In August I got back online more, and started talking to one of my gamer friends. After a couple weeks I finally told him that if he was single I'd so be after him. Only to find out he'd broken up with his girlfriend in April, and had feelings for me as well. After much more talking, I finally accepted that this wasn't another joke on me, and that this feeling was actually real, and agreed to come to Texas with him when my contract was up.

By October I had lost over 80lbs, and gained a lot of self confidence. I'm not perfect, I still have my moments of doubt, but who doesn't? Even through the hell of the last few months my boyfriend and I have stood side by side, and he's helped me learn more about myself, my confidence, and my patience. I can even watch his seven year old hyperactive niece and her stepsister without flipping out the way I would have before.

Yesterday I got the offer to go back to YNP. Boyfriend should hear either tomorrow or Monday if he gets an invite, but it sounds like the test and such are just a formality at this point, he's got the dates he'll be there already. I can not wait to share the wonder of Yellowstone with him, and to start this new chapter in our lives.

Learning to Let go--Self Forgiveness

No matter how much we talk of self love and self respect, we will all have our moments. No human can be perfectly confident or treat themselves perfectly every day of their life, no matter how much we try. Even when we really, really want to be. To use myself as an example:

Last December I began having health issues, which may be either UC or Crohns. I have not gone through full diagnosis yet but I believe it to be Crohns (until tonight I was leaning more towards UC but finally found some good articles explaining the differences). Began…who am I kidding—looking back through my history I’m fairly sure I had my first major flare when I was 18.  Anyway. To deal with this I have to be very careful about my diet. Several foods are big no-nos. Several of my favorite foods.

On this list of foods I’m not supposed to have, the top three are Milk (and a few other dairy products, unless lactose free), caffeine, and alcohol. I say not supposed to because I fully admit I have very weak willpower when it comes to such. Take tonight: Right now there is a Diet Coke and Bacardi sitting next to me. Further down the dresser is the cup from the milkshake I had earlier. Yep, I’m a bad girl, and I have been for several days now.

I’m suffering for it too, but it doesn’t fully deter me. I know I have no one to blame for my pain and the hours in the bathroom but myself.

 I know that eating these things and ignoring my body’s reactions are exactly the opposite of what I need to be doing. We all know this when we do things like this, be it an addiction—drugs, smoking, alcohol, food; or just something little—“I can skip the gym today, no big deal” or “Well I know I’m hurting but if I do one more set…”; even things like not putting makeup on or skipping a shower. We KNOW we shouldn’t. That doesn’t stop us.

AND IT’S OK! REALLY!

I’m not saying that we should blow off these things entirely. What I’m saying is that beating ourselves up over these little slip ups doesn’t make them go away, or make the situation any better. Do your best to get back on track. (I, for one, will be cutting caffeine out again as of tomorrow. Without the coke I won’t drink the alcohol. Not a fan of plain rum!) Use a support network (Such as the fact that I’m going to tell AJ to kind of keep an eye on me on these things. The alcohol isn’t a problem; I can go a long time without that. The caffeine and dairy on the other hand….)

So where is this blog going? What is this all about?

I suppose these must be the two most commonly asked questions of a new blogger--both from their readers, and to themselves. I know I have been thinking long and hard about this, myself.  At first I planned for this to be just a journal of sorts, a way for me to record the personal journey I am. Which is great for me, but what does it offer to my readers? (Aside, I hope, from inspiration.)

I had a few ideas and threw them at a friend of mine this evening to see if it sounded good. She's done this all before, been a blogger and all, and I was looking for her input. To my surprise, it seemed to make more sense to her than it did to me! So here's what I envision for the Lunar Road:

*A place for inspiring stories of personal journeys, self love (no not THAT kind of self love, get your mind out of the gutter!) and self awareness. These would be from several sources: Real People, Fictional Characters, my own stories, myths, allegories....

"So you're going to be another "Chicken Soup for the Soul" type of blog?"

No....there's more dear reader, I promise!

*Healthful living. Part of self love and self respect is taking care of yourself. No fads, no gimmicks...just healthy living tips, advice, articles, whatever comes up. This may include things like how to handle situtations where the foods you need (be it for a health reason like myself or just a personal choice) are not available for long periods of time. You know, like when your diet is limited due to the fact you live in a dorm and have to eat what is served--which would be what I'm going through currently.

I'm not going to preach about my own diet or anything like that...just share insight on what I learn along the way. My own diet is far from ideal, even for my own health issues.

*Tips to help you along your own journey to self awareness, respect, and love. Not just from me but articles, book reviews, and possibly guest bloggers!

*Spirituality. There is more to this word than religion and I will attempt to focus on that rather than on religion itself. If I offend anyone with my statements on this subject I am sorry, honestly. I do not mean to, everyone's path is their own. For me this includes things like Yoga and Meditation, both of which will more than likely be featured.


Quote:   When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world.  I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation.  When I found I couldn't change the nation, I began to focus on my town.  I couldn't change the town and as an older man, I tried to change my family.  Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realize that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family.  My family and I could have made an impact on our town.  Their impact could have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world.  ~Author Unknown

As the Summer Winds Down

Orriginally posted (by ME) here: http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150306028309753
on 2/14/11


I 'blogged' a bit at the begining of this wild journey, now I think it only fitting that I should blog a bit about the end. I have often heard Yellowstone called "Wonderland" and I can see why....for many reasons. The natural beauty and strangeness of the thermal features and mountains of course...but the way the lives of those of us who live here are turned topsy turvey by it as well. I left South Haven almost 5 months ago, at the age of 30 still very much a child. I was broken. I was dejected. I felt as if everything I did was wrong and I didn't deserve to be loved.

When I came here, part of me was hopefull, but part of me was terrified. Group living has never gone well for me (MCTI where everyone was as weird as me aside...and even that had its downfalls). I'm not "normal" so I become the scapegoat...if something goes wrong it must have been my fault. That hasn't happened here, and for that I am thankfull. There was another incident, where I overheard supposed friends talking about me when they thought I was asleep. They told the guy I was crushing on that I liked him. The words "never in a million years" and "weird girl" were enough to keep me up the rest of the night, mostly crying.

Then my seamstress job was ripped away and I was thrown into laundry. WITH those so called friends. Between having to face them every day and the stress of the job itself (the laundry is hot, loud, and a lot of heavy lifting), I was miserable. I was never so happy as the day I was given the job in Reservations and moved up to Mammoth. Things turned around for me then, and this became home to me.

I made new, true friends. I started taking better care of myself. My first couple months, honestly, my attendance sucked, but I've gotten that turned around. I don't let aches and pains hold me back anymore and I feel better about myself for that. I'm more confident. I finally feel like an adult.

Thats the thing about this place. It heals. It turns your life around and makes you take a long hard look at yourself. Not everyone makes it here. Two people I trained with in Reservations left very early in the season after that mirror was held to them. In fact, of our training class, only two are still here. There were eight of us. The two boys went first. They werent ready for this apparently. Next to go was one of our ladies, due to health problems. The rest of us have made it through. Three ladies left already as their contracts were up. The other, my "Yellowstone Mom", leaves next week. I'll miss them all dearly.

Another description I've heard of Yellowstone, particularly of the workforce, is that we're on the Island of Misfit Toys. Heck, here at Mammoth there is even a band by that name, the members of which I am proud to call my friends. They rock too!

We are all misfits, in our own way. All of us had our own reasons for coming here. Some will go back out into the world, some will remain here, "lifers". There's a chance I'm one of them. I have a winter contract already.

By the time I leave here on October 9th, all of my friends will have left. Most are gone already. My three BYFs (Best Yellowstone Friends), the three people that drew me out the most and helped me discover myself--Jamie, her fiance Erik, and our friend John-- have gone already. I hope to see them all again someday (possibly around December when Jamie and Erik's daughter is born!). Nati leaves on the 6th, my roommate Merry leaves on the 7th.

The end of the season is bittersweet...like saying goodbye at the end of summer camp. Happy to be leaving, sad to be seeing your friends go, not knowing if you'll see them again.

A few things I've learned about myself:

* I am stronger emotionally then I thought.

* I am beautiful--not because anyone tells me I am, not because I think I am, I just am!

* I do have attitude and can fling one line zingers off the top of my head, sometimes.

* I am no one's back up plan!

* I deserve love, just as much as anyone else.

* I am TERRIFIED of big animals. Especially those with pointy objects on their head. Although even the cow elk have scared the bejeebus out of me a few times.

* I can get my butt up at 6am and go to work 5 days a week, week after week. I'm exhausted by the time my days off come, but I CAN do it.

* I work better later than earlier....if I have to have a short shift, 10-5 is much better than 8-3!

* Moisturizing body wash and Burts Bees' Milk and Honey lotion are my friends!

* My curls can be annoying but they are not a curse. Not usually anyway. They can actually be kinda cute!

* Having long hair isn't so bad after all. I've survived the summer without a cut!

* I am not incapable of losing weight. 50lbs down and counting! TAKE THAT WORLD!

Other random factoids I've picked up:

* Bison can jump 6' straight up from standing (not from experiance! Just a random fact I heard)

* Altitude sickness can be a real ass-kicker (from experiance)

* Fingers squished in a window turn really pretty colors (from painful experiance)

* Just because the Employee Dining Room calls a food something, does not mean its what we're expecting.

* People are willing to lie, cheat, and possibly steal to get the room or camping spot that they want.

* Peope don't plan ahead. I can't count the number of times I've heard "But we drove all the way here, where are we going to stay?" Um...seems to me you should have thought about that BEFORE driving halfway across the country. Especially if you knew you needed speacial accomadations (like you have 12 kids, or you have to have electric in your camp site so that your precious Muffykins poodle doesnt overheat)

* Always carry the following if going hiking...or for a drive...: Water, Bear spray, Bug reppelent, Sunscreen.

* Bear Spray does NOT work the same way as bug reppelent. DO NOT SPRAY YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY WITH IT (unless of course you WANT to be airlifted out of the park)

* When tourists come into Yellowstone, the vast majority check the following at the gate: Common Sense, Driving Skills, Patience, Courtesy, Brains.

* There are people out there that honestly believe that Elk are either very large deer or very small moose.

* The mating call of male elk is REALLY annoying first thing in the morning.

Rolemodels and Mentors...Moving on

Orriginally posted (by me) here: 

http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=101460789963009


9/20/11

((WARNING: TIM BURTON'S "Alice in Wonderland" SPOILERS AHEAD)

I have a habit of finding "Spirit Guides" in the oddest places. For the last several months, my guide has been Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland. In particular Alice's growth throughout the movie--from a somewhat timid girl letting her family guide her every movement, to the woman who faces the jaberwokey and then says goodbye to her friends to return home and become a truely independant woman.  I, in many ways, have been on that journey myself this summer...and soon it will be time for me to leave Wonderland and return to the real world.

Alice and her friends will always be with me, of course, reminding me that all of the best people are entirely bonkers, that I still have my muchness, and that the impossible can always be true. 

But just as movies end, so my time in Wonderland--or in my case YNP-- is drawing to a close. I have, for the most part, defeated my personal Jaberwokies, Banished my Red Queens, and am prepared to take the reins of my life firmly in hand. 

Durring all of this (and due to something a friend said around the same time) I became the White Rabbit to my bff's Dormouse. (As far as nicknames go at least). The white rabbit became the symbol for who I was, and Alice for who I wanted to become. 

I'm sure I will find a new guide before long here. I can feel Alice backing off as I reach the goals she was leading me to. I don't know yet who or what my next inspiration will be, but I can't wait to see where this next stage of my journey leads!

The Turning of the Year

Today the light and dark, the sun and moon are balanced. Day and night are equal. Today is the Autumn Equinox, the first "official" day of fall in the northern hemisphere. From here until the sun begins its return in December, the world around me will slowly descend into the winter darkness. This year, I am not afraid.

So often in my life, winter has been the season I dreaded. Winter brought constant gray skies; forced time indoors; ice--a major hazard, given my lack of physical grace; and, more often than not, illness. Usually the worst of this was my annual bronchitis, which would occasionally turn into pneumonia. That was eclipsed by the health issues of last winter. I won't get into details today, as that is not the focus of this post.

Instead of fearing this winter, I am looking forward to it. I'm a looking at the months ahead as a time of quiet reflection and preparation for the rebirth of spring. Last winter's health issues triggered a journey for me--towards self-awareness, self love, and self respect. This journey has changed me, made me ready for the life ahead. Ready to bloom into the woman I am meant to be.

This winter will be my chrysalis, a time to get to know this new me before heading into the world. Now this is not to say that I will be hiding myself away this winter. Indeed, it is just the opposit. I intend to throw myself into new environments, pursuits, and hobbies. I also plan to reconnect with parts of myself pushed back into the darkness and near forgotten.

This winter is about self discovery. The next phase in my journey to me




Quote:
“I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir,' said Alice, 'Because I'm not myself you see.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland & Through the Looking-Glass