Learning to Let go--Self Forgiveness

No matter how much we talk of self love and self respect, we will all have our moments. No human can be perfectly confident or treat themselves perfectly every day of their life, no matter how much we try. Even when we really, really want to be. To use myself as an example:

Last December I began having health issues, which may be either UC or Crohns. I have not gone through full diagnosis yet but I believe it to be Crohns (until tonight I was leaning more towards UC but finally found some good articles explaining the differences). Began…who am I kidding—looking back through my history I’m fairly sure I had my first major flare when I was 18.  Anyway. To deal with this I have to be very careful about my diet. Several foods are big no-nos. Several of my favorite foods.

On this list of foods I’m not supposed to have, the top three are Milk (and a few other dairy products, unless lactose free), caffeine, and alcohol. I say not supposed to because I fully admit I have very weak willpower when it comes to such. Take tonight: Right now there is a Diet Coke and Bacardi sitting next to me. Further down the dresser is the cup from the milkshake I had earlier. Yep, I’m a bad girl, and I have been for several days now.

I’m suffering for it too, but it doesn’t fully deter me. I know I have no one to blame for my pain and the hours in the bathroom but myself.

 I know that eating these things and ignoring my body’s reactions are exactly the opposite of what I need to be doing. We all know this when we do things like this, be it an addiction—drugs, smoking, alcohol, food; or just something little—“I can skip the gym today, no big deal” or “Well I know I’m hurting but if I do one more set…”; even things like not putting makeup on or skipping a shower. We KNOW we shouldn’t. That doesn’t stop us.

AND IT’S OK! REALLY!

I’m not saying that we should blow off these things entirely. What I’m saying is that beating ourselves up over these little slip ups doesn’t make them go away, or make the situation any better. Do your best to get back on track. (I, for one, will be cutting caffeine out again as of tomorrow. Without the coke I won’t drink the alcohol. Not a fan of plain rum!) Use a support network (Such as the fact that I’m going to tell AJ to kind of keep an eye on me on these things. The alcohol isn’t a problem; I can go a long time without that. The caffeine and dairy on the other hand….)

Rosh Hashanah

New Year celebrations of various cultures have always fascinated me, and yet somehow I had never read up on Rosh Hashanah until tonight....I looked it up this eve because a dorm-mate came to my room with apple slices and honey for me, wishing me a Happy New Year (She is not Jewish but her roommate and our mutual friend is).  I was confused for a moment, so looked up what was going on.

The site I found seems pretty good: How is Rosh Hashanah Observed?

Some of these traditions seem really neat. Anything involving food of course always manages to catch my eye...hence the apples and honey intriguing me. Another part that I really would like to know more about is the casting of sins into the water. Transformation as we go into a new year. I like that, and it does seem to be a common New Year tradition in one way or another in each version I study.

Much food for thought tonight there.

So, to all my Jewish friends and readers: Leshanah tovah tikateiv veteichateim!

Rough Night

Tonight I wrote one of the hardest pieces I've ever written. The craigslist ad for my dog. I wrote a bit last night about how we were trying to find a way to get him to Texas. I didn't sleep well last night thinking about that. Teppi has never traveled well and Michigan to Texas is a huge trip. It would be too stressful. My soon-to-be-ex husband can't take him either. The sad conclusion was rehoming would be the best option for Teppi's health.

I'm so upset with my family right now. I was promised that Teppi would always have a home with them and now we have to find another alternative. I've done a lot of crying in the last twenty-four hours but I think I am coming to terms with this. 

AJ has said we'll still get a dog, and in fact may be getting us a chiweenie pup on Monday, so I'm trying to look forward to that.

Personal Emergency....

As many of my readers know, I spent this summer working in Yellowstone National Park. The biggest problem I had with this was it meant leaving my beloved dog, Imhotep, behind with my mother. In less than two weeks I live here and head to live with my honey in Texas. My understanding previous to today was that my dog would be safely kept at my grandfather's house with my mom until I could make arrangements to get him.

Tonight, I was talking to my mom on Skype, and she informed me that Teppi has been snapping when he's disciplined. I know why this is but no one there wants to listen. Tep has always known myself or my soon to be ex husband as the Alphas of his pack. With neither of us in the picture over the summer he has determined that he would like to be Alpha now and is trying to show his dominance.

Mom says she will hold onto him for another month to see if I can make arrangements to bring him to Texas. I'm trying to figure out what to do, because I can't afford a trip to Michigan right away.

Any of you all out there have advice?

Let Your Geek Flag Fly! Healthful tips for Geeks (nerds and dorks too!)

There seems to be two ideas when you refer to someone as a 'geek'. People picture someone--a guy usually--that they might consider a loser; working a minimum wage job (if working); living in mom's basement; with a pasty computer monitor 'tan'. They assume that if this 'geek' goes out at all that they go to places like Trekkie 'Cons and comic stores. The other line of thought puts the geek as a brainiac, likely working a computer job, the Steven Hawking Type. This, technically would be a Nerd but a lot of folks don't know the subtle differences (and there are many who are both so don't feel bad!).

Here's the definition of a Geek via WikiHow: How to Tell the Difference Between Nerds and Geeks

 The term "geek" is often said to have originated from circus performers in sideshows, referring to those who performed bizarre feats.^[4] However, its earliest meaning is, "one who is regarded as foolish, offensive, worthless, etc."^[5] Today, the term has taken on a positive slant and a geek could be viewed as someone with an interest or lifestyle having to do with niche activities, especially fandom and technology.^[6] It is not uncommon for a geek to be capable of reciting large amounts of knowledge that is unintuitive, intriguing and (at times) 

long-winded. The knowledge could be anything from the mundane to 'living encyclopedia' status.^[7] Geeks tend to have average grades. Geeks can vary in their interests, from fun (films) and sometimes even frivolous things (collecting plastic figurines), to heavily technological interests (computing, hacking, and programming). Urban Dictionary goes so far as to suggest that society still views computer programming as a "bizarre feat" and the term "geek" is a proud label reflecting this.^[8]

• Likely to be a gamer, a Star Trek fan, technologically enthused, a film series/book series buff, a free-spirited (not malevolent) technology hacker, a creator of unusual objects (artist, etc.), etc.^[9]

I am proud to be a geek!

For a long time, and I hate to admit this, I reinforced that first stereotypical image. I lived at home, even while married. My husband pretty much took care of me. I let my geek-dom wipe out everything else. For me it was because that allowed me to escape into a MMORPG for the majority of my waking time. I wanted to get away from real life. I was not healthy and my friends and family were worried. 

So what's a Geek-Girl to do when she needs to turn her life around? You can't spend your days in front of a game all day and be healthy. It's hard to respect yourself with all of the junk food that too often accompanies the lifestyle piled around you. There are so many pitfalls of being a geek.

Mind you I'm not saying being a geek is bad. Like so many things in life it's about avoiding the bad parts and bringing the good into the light!

How does one accomplish this? Baby steps, my friends, baby steps.

Technology and, yes, even gaming can play a huge role in getting yourself healthy if you want it to.  Start by replacing the junk food around you. If you MUST snack (and I know how that is during a big raid or RP event!), choose something flavorful but healthy. Even if that first step is just moving from fried chips to baked, it is still a step in the right direction.

For me the first step was weening myself off of my two to three 24pack of Pepsi (diet, to lie to myself) habit. This is not to say that habit is completely broken. I still have days where I drink a lot of pop--although these days it's diet Coke as that is what is in our Employee Dining Room. Heck I'm just coming off a binge where I was having a glass of it with lunch and with dinner, along with a can or bottle whenever I could get my hands on it. Even this is a drastic cut back from where I was. I am not supposed to have it whatsoever though, and am once again trying to go off of it.

I found tea (hot or cold, your choice. I even sweetened mine because even with doing that it was likely less sugar and certainly less additives than the pop) to be a good replacement. Sugar free drinks like Crystal Light can be good for some folks too. Ice water even...by the way, drink enough water and it cuts back on the munchies too!

The next thing is to get moving. Baby steps again here, remember. You're not going to want--or be able--to run a marathon right away. Start with short walks. If that doesn't appeal, turn to gaming. That's right, Gaming. I got a hell of a workout when we had a Wii. I took pride in doing my fitness age test thing every morning and trying to get a better age! Boxing and Tennis were great workouts and I could do them actively in my home and not worry what people around me were thinking. I have not tried the Kinect yet but I sure would like to!

Keep adding in little steps as you go. Change another snack--soon all of your snacks will be healthier. Again, remember that healthy does not necessarily mean all 'rabbit food' or cardboard diet food! Walk a little further each day or do another couple minutes of an active game. Every little bit counts!!

Good luck, my Geek Brethren.

Quote:  Live long and Prosper ~Spoken portion of the Vulcan Salute in the Star Trek Multiverse

So where is this blog going? What is this all about?

I suppose these must be the two most commonly asked questions of a new blogger--both from their readers, and to themselves. I know I have been thinking long and hard about this, myself.  At first I planned for this to be just a journal of sorts, a way for me to record the personal journey I am. Which is great for me, but what does it offer to my readers? (Aside, I hope, from inspiration.)

I had a few ideas and threw them at a friend of mine this evening to see if it sounded good. She's done this all before, been a blogger and all, and I was looking for her input. To my surprise, it seemed to make more sense to her than it did to me! So here's what I envision for the Lunar Road:

*A place for inspiring stories of personal journeys, self love (no not THAT kind of self love, get your mind out of the gutter!) and self awareness. These would be from several sources: Real People, Fictional Characters, my own stories, myths, allegories....

"So you're going to be another "Chicken Soup for the Soul" type of blog?"

No....there's more dear reader, I promise!

*Healthful living. Part of self love and self respect is taking care of yourself. No fads, no gimmicks...just healthy living tips, advice, articles, whatever comes up. This may include things like how to handle situtations where the foods you need (be it for a health reason like myself or just a personal choice) are not available for long periods of time. You know, like when your diet is limited due to the fact you live in a dorm and have to eat what is served--which would be what I'm going through currently.

I'm not going to preach about my own diet or anything like that...just share insight on what I learn along the way. My own diet is far from ideal, even for my own health issues.

*Tips to help you along your own journey to self awareness, respect, and love. Not just from me but articles, book reviews, and possibly guest bloggers!

*Spirituality. There is more to this word than religion and I will attempt to focus on that rather than on religion itself. If I offend anyone with my statements on this subject I am sorry, honestly. I do not mean to, everyone's path is their own. For me this includes things like Yoga and Meditation, both of which will more than likely be featured.


Quote:   When I was a young man, I wanted to change the world.  I found it was difficult to change the world, so I tried to change my nation.  When I found I couldn't change the nation, I began to focus on my town.  I couldn't change the town and as an older man, I tried to change my family.  Now, as an old man, I realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realize that if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family.  My family and I could have made an impact on our town.  Their impact could have changed the nation and I could indeed have changed the world.  ~Author Unknown

As the Summer Winds Down

Orriginally posted (by ME) here: http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=10150306028309753
on 2/14/11


I 'blogged' a bit at the begining of this wild journey, now I think it only fitting that I should blog a bit about the end. I have often heard Yellowstone called "Wonderland" and I can see why....for many reasons. The natural beauty and strangeness of the thermal features and mountains of course...but the way the lives of those of us who live here are turned topsy turvey by it as well. I left South Haven almost 5 months ago, at the age of 30 still very much a child. I was broken. I was dejected. I felt as if everything I did was wrong and I didn't deserve to be loved.

When I came here, part of me was hopefull, but part of me was terrified. Group living has never gone well for me (MCTI where everyone was as weird as me aside...and even that had its downfalls). I'm not "normal" so I become the scapegoat...if something goes wrong it must have been my fault. That hasn't happened here, and for that I am thankfull. There was another incident, where I overheard supposed friends talking about me when they thought I was asleep. They told the guy I was crushing on that I liked him. The words "never in a million years" and "weird girl" were enough to keep me up the rest of the night, mostly crying.

Then my seamstress job was ripped away and I was thrown into laundry. WITH those so called friends. Between having to face them every day and the stress of the job itself (the laundry is hot, loud, and a lot of heavy lifting), I was miserable. I was never so happy as the day I was given the job in Reservations and moved up to Mammoth. Things turned around for me then, and this became home to me.

I made new, true friends. I started taking better care of myself. My first couple months, honestly, my attendance sucked, but I've gotten that turned around. I don't let aches and pains hold me back anymore and I feel better about myself for that. I'm more confident. I finally feel like an adult.

Thats the thing about this place. It heals. It turns your life around and makes you take a long hard look at yourself. Not everyone makes it here. Two people I trained with in Reservations left very early in the season after that mirror was held to them. In fact, of our training class, only two are still here. There were eight of us. The two boys went first. They werent ready for this apparently. Next to go was one of our ladies, due to health problems. The rest of us have made it through. Three ladies left already as their contracts were up. The other, my "Yellowstone Mom", leaves next week. I'll miss them all dearly.

Another description I've heard of Yellowstone, particularly of the workforce, is that we're on the Island of Misfit Toys. Heck, here at Mammoth there is even a band by that name, the members of which I am proud to call my friends. They rock too!

We are all misfits, in our own way. All of us had our own reasons for coming here. Some will go back out into the world, some will remain here, "lifers". There's a chance I'm one of them. I have a winter contract already.

By the time I leave here on October 9th, all of my friends will have left. Most are gone already. My three BYFs (Best Yellowstone Friends), the three people that drew me out the most and helped me discover myself--Jamie, her fiance Erik, and our friend John-- have gone already. I hope to see them all again someday (possibly around December when Jamie and Erik's daughter is born!). Nati leaves on the 6th, my roommate Merry leaves on the 7th.

The end of the season is bittersweet...like saying goodbye at the end of summer camp. Happy to be leaving, sad to be seeing your friends go, not knowing if you'll see them again.

A few things I've learned about myself:

* I am stronger emotionally then I thought.

* I am beautiful--not because anyone tells me I am, not because I think I am, I just am!

* I do have attitude and can fling one line zingers off the top of my head, sometimes.

* I am no one's back up plan!

* I deserve love, just as much as anyone else.

* I am TERRIFIED of big animals. Especially those with pointy objects on their head. Although even the cow elk have scared the bejeebus out of me a few times.

* I can get my butt up at 6am and go to work 5 days a week, week after week. I'm exhausted by the time my days off come, but I CAN do it.

* I work better later than earlier....if I have to have a short shift, 10-5 is much better than 8-3!

* Moisturizing body wash and Burts Bees' Milk and Honey lotion are my friends!

* My curls can be annoying but they are not a curse. Not usually anyway. They can actually be kinda cute!

* Having long hair isn't so bad after all. I've survived the summer without a cut!

* I am not incapable of losing weight. 50lbs down and counting! TAKE THAT WORLD!

Other random factoids I've picked up:

* Bison can jump 6' straight up from standing (not from experiance! Just a random fact I heard)

* Altitude sickness can be a real ass-kicker (from experiance)

* Fingers squished in a window turn really pretty colors (from painful experiance)

* Just because the Employee Dining Room calls a food something, does not mean its what we're expecting.

* People are willing to lie, cheat, and possibly steal to get the room or camping spot that they want.

* Peope don't plan ahead. I can't count the number of times I've heard "But we drove all the way here, where are we going to stay?" Um...seems to me you should have thought about that BEFORE driving halfway across the country. Especially if you knew you needed speacial accomadations (like you have 12 kids, or you have to have electric in your camp site so that your precious Muffykins poodle doesnt overheat)

* Always carry the following if going hiking...or for a drive...: Water, Bear spray, Bug reppelent, Sunscreen.

* Bear Spray does NOT work the same way as bug reppelent. DO NOT SPRAY YOURSELF AND YOUR FAMILY WITH IT (unless of course you WANT to be airlifted out of the park)

* When tourists come into Yellowstone, the vast majority check the following at the gate: Common Sense, Driving Skills, Patience, Courtesy, Brains.

* There are people out there that honestly believe that Elk are either very large deer or very small moose.

* The mating call of male elk is REALLY annoying first thing in the morning.