A year ago today I was a scared girl--yes, even at 30 I was just a girl, emotionally and mentally. I had just arrived at my grandfather's again having left my husband. I had no clue what I was going to do with my life, felt completely unloved and unworthy of being loved. My health was horrible and I was severely overweight. I couldn't even walk around Walmart for more than 5 minutes, much less go on a hike.
I had already been considering going to Yellowstone, at my brother's urging, but my husband had turned down the contract he was offered. Shortly after I arrived home I got an interview and an offer to go to Old Faithful. I took it. I was terrified, but somehow I felt it was the right thing to do and would be a healing experience. I was so right.
I arrived at Yellowstone on April 21, 2011. I was still terrified at that point...especially when the first girls I met going to the park were both skinny and pretty (looking at you here, Aliza !). Luckily they were also very friendly. I never did make it to Old Faithful for more than a day. Practically as soon as I arrived I got a better paying job in the Uniform Room down in Gardner, working as a seamstress. After a couple weeks of that not working well I was transferred to Laundry. I fully admit I almost quit at that point. I was having social issues, since I wasn't much of a partyer.
The stress from that as well as the noise, heat, and lifting I was having to deal with in the laundry were making me very sick. I went to my manager and told her I had to get out. I could not take it there. She said she would see if she could find me anywhere else, and I flat out said if she couldn't I would quit. I hated myself in that moment. I was weak, I was sick, and I felt so unworthy of anyone and anything.
That afternoon I had an interview with John in Reservations. I don't think he knows this, but he saved my life by taking the risk of bringing me up there. I think another week down at Gardiner would have killed me...either I would get sicker or I'd get weaker and kill myself. I made some of the best friends of my life in Reservations, and they helped me through a LOT last summer. I started losing weight, walking more, and making healthier choices for the most part.
I still got sick and had migraines a lot the first couple months. Stress from a family situation and the fact that I still had not accepted myself didn't help that much. I thought the family situation would break me but ironically (Is that the right use of that word, even?) it made me stronger. It was telling this family member "I'm sorry, but I can not take care of you until I learn to take care of myself. I have to have a handle on my OWN life before I can help you through your problems" and then putting the situation in the hands of people who could get them the help needed which made me see that I COULD be strong and make the right choices for me.
That was around the time I finally decided that I also deserved to feel loved, by myself if no one else. I started taking better care of my hygine, learning how to fix my hair, and learning to be PROUD of who I am, how I look, and what talents I had. Even when a guy I liked a lot turned me down for various reasons, I didn't let it get to me. Ok well maybe I did a LITTLE...but he and I stayed good friends and I look forward to seeing him this coming summer.
In August I got back online more, and started talking to one of my gamer friends. After a couple weeks I finally told him that if he was single I'd so be after him. Only to find out he'd broken up with his girlfriend in April, and had feelings for me as well. After much more talking, I finally accepted that this wasn't another joke on me, and that this feeling was actually real, and agreed to come to Texas with him when my contract was up.
By October I had lost over 80lbs, and gained a lot of self confidence. I'm not perfect, I still have my moments of doubt, but who doesn't? Even through the hell of the last few months my boyfriend and I have stood side by side, and he's helped me learn more about myself, my confidence, and my patience. I can even watch his seven year old hyperactive niece and her stepsister without flipping out the way I would have before.
Yesterday I got the offer to go back to YNP. Boyfriend should hear either tomorrow or Monday if he gets an invite, but it sounds like the test and such are just a formality at this point, he's got the dates he'll be there already. I can not wait to share the wonder of Yellowstone with him, and to start this new chapter in our lives.
