Bleh..setbacks

Yesterday I was supposed to finally go to the gastroenterology doc, but my body had other plans, apparently. The day started well enough. Got up only a little after my alarm, got showered, groomed and dressed, even got some dishes done from the night before. A few pans remained but I didn't want to chance splashing myself and making a mess out of my nice clean clothes. About a half hour before we planned to leave I rested my butt on the arm of the couch to look over my beloved's shoulder at some phone chargers he was looking at online. When I went to stand up to move to my chair I suddenly cried out in pain. I think it's my SI joint but I'm not certain. All I know is I had to cancel that appointment and the neurologist appointment today..

I very carefully dropped myself to the floor. I was sobbing by then. I ended up spending most of the day in bed. Muscle relaxers and painkillers did nothing for me. Nothing in the slightest. The only thing that helped in the slightest was a heating pad (the kind you put in the microwave) under my hips. I was able to get up for a little bit and eat dinner at my desk but then I had a hell of a time getting back to bed. I'm so tired of laying here--thankfully the bed is adjustable and I can sit up or raise my feet as needed.

Its just so frustrating. I was doing so well, I was keeping up with things, I was baking and cooking and cleaning....I have so much that I want to do and I'm stuck in bed. I got up for a few minutes this morning but it was not meant to be. Its maddening, really. My honey is working on lunch and I'm going to go out and try to sit at the desk--if my body will cooperate to get me that far-- to eat. This HAS to get better by morning or we'll be in a really tough spot. He'll be back to work and I don't know if I can deal with this alone tomorrow.

Yes, I'm still alive

I know I know, I haven't posted in almost two years. Sorry about that. Shortly after my last post I lost my position in Yellowstone, because I was sick too much. This forced me back to Michigan, a lack of insurance kept me from getting further tests and treatments, etc etc. A couple months after returning to Michigan, things went sour with my fiance. His loss, not mine. Around that same time I had gotten into the virtual world of Second Life. I met an amazing guy there. We had our ups and downs, his mother was diagnosed with cancer and we did break up for a bit, but we worked through everything. When his mother passed in the early spring last year, I traveled to Florida to help him sort through things, and we decided to make a real go of it. We sold the house, packed everything up, and headed north to be near the rest of his family in New Jersey.

We settled into a two bedroom apartment, acquired a golden retriever/yellow lab mix and an orange and white tabby cat, and made a life for ourselves. Except that I was sick. ALL. BLEEPING. FALL.  Then all freaking winter too!! I was finally able to get insurance this spring. I've been seeing a primary care doctor and a neurologist. I have my first gastroenterologist appointment tomorrow. I got new glasses too, but I still need to get in with a couple other specialists. I've yet to see a mental health professional but now that I'm getting healthy my moods are better too.

The bad news first: my cholesterol was high (well yeah, has been for years); my A1c was a hair high (not diabetic though, so that's awesome); and my blood pressure was REALLY REALLY high.

The great news though: I DO NOT HAVE MS!!!!! I have what's called Complicated Migraine Variables. It can pretty much mimic MS, but is controllable. I'm on meds for it (as well as for the cholesterol and blood pressure) that have helped a lot. I'm not having spasms and twitchyness anywhere near as much, just the occasional, far more normal twitches. My leg, arm, and face, no longer go numb or 'vanish'. I've even gotten feeling back on the outside of my left hand and pinky, and the outside of my left foot. I'm not even having as many headaches. My blood pressure is now pretty much under control too.

I'm still having some gastric issues and dizziness, but other than that I'm feeling worlds better than I did this winter. The last three days I've been up and about, cooking, cleaning, organizing a bit. Its been awesome to see Anthony's face when he comes home from work and sees that I've been actually doing stuff. He is the most amazing man I've ever had in my life. He stuck by and helped me through the worst months of my life, when I could barely walk from the living room to the bathroom, stayed at my side, waited on me, cooked for me, did the housework on top of working outside of the home. For the first time that I can remember I really feel as if I matter to someone.

On top of all of this, he's alright with me having a woman in my life. Ok well, we share her, but she and I are much closer than the two of them. We met her through Second Life, and she is coming to visit us next month. Rachel has been instrumental in my recovery, to be honest. Her encouragement and unwavering faith in me has meant so much. Not to say we haven't had our moments. We're both very emotional people, and so is Anthony. When we fight it can get intense, but once it's over and we're all good again, we find ourselves that much stronger for it. That is what love is all about, to me.

Alphabet Soup

A few people have asked what happenned to my blog. The short answer is I didn't keep up with it, thats all. The longer answer is I've just not had the energy/willpower to add blogging to my list of to-dos. I will try to keep up with it in the future. As to why I've had no energy? Well, read on dear friends!

I'm starting to feel like a big bowl of alphabet soup. The list of posible diagnosis keeps growing, I still feel like crud as we try to get to the bottom of this, but at least the doctors here in Montana are TRYING, and LISTENING to me, unlike back home.

The rundown of "probables"

• PTSD
• PCOS
• PA and/or MS
• Celiac
• Crohns or UC
• Disociative Disorder

The "knowns"

• Severe Vitamin D deficiancy (just found this out tonight)
• Low-end "Normal" of B-12 serum levels (further testing needed as serum levels are misleadingly high normally)

The "possibles"

• Bi-Polar (feels so nice to get this off the 'knowns' list!)

I've started b12 sub-lingual supplements--if they help after a month my PCP and I will look at b12 shots. Thursday I pick up mega-dose weekly pills for the Vitamin D issue. 6 weeks of those and then a retest. I see a GI in August--so that will be more testing, very likely including the dreaded endoscopy and colonoscopy. In September I get to go see a neurologist--who I'm assuming will want to poke and prod as well, possibly including a spinal tap.

Right now, I admit it, I'm downright scared. I'm also sick and tired of being sick and tired, y'know? The worst is the gut issues. I know I felt better when I was on a gluten free diet, but I can't go back to that (which will end up being a GFCF diet) until after the testing because it could cause a false negative. So I'm walking that delicate line of eating what I can as normal, without making myself too sick for work, but trying to balance it out with a few "good" foods so I can at least feel full.

What a Year!

A year ago today I was a scared girl--yes, even at 30 I was just a girl, emotionally and mentally. I had just arrived at my grandfather's again having left my husband. I had no clue what I was going to do with my life, felt completely unloved and unworthy of being loved. My health was horrible and I was severely overweight. I couldn't even walk around Walmart for more than 5 minutes, much less go on a hike.

I had already been considering going to Yellowstone, at my brother's urging, but my husband had turned down the contract he was offered. Shortly after I arrived home I got an interview and an offer to go to Old Faithful. I took it. I was terrified, but somehow I felt it was the right thing to do and would be a healing experience. I was so right.

I arrived at Yellowstone on April 21, 2011. I was still terrified at that point...especially when the first girls I met going to the park were both skinny and pretty (looking at you here, Aliza !). Luckily they were also very friendly. I never did make it to Old Faithful for more than a day. Practically as soon as I arrived I got a better paying job in the Uniform Room down in Gardner, working as a seamstress. After a couple weeks of that not working well I was transferred to Laundry. I fully admit I almost quit at that point. I was having social issues, since I wasn't much of a partyer.

The stress from that as well as the noise, heat, and lifting I was having to deal with in the laundry were making me very sick. I went to my manager and told her I had to get out. I could not take it there. She said she would see if she could find me anywhere else, and I flat out said if she couldn't I would quit. I hated myself in that moment. I was weak, I was sick, and I felt so unworthy of anyone and anything.

That afternoon I had an interview with John in Reservations. I don't think he knows this, but he saved my life by taking the risk of bringing me up there. I think another week down at Gardiner would have killed me...either I would get sicker or I'd get weaker and kill myself.  I made some of the best friends of my life in Reservations, and they helped me through a LOT last summer. I started losing weight, walking more, and making healthier choices for the most part.

I still got sick and had migraines a lot the first couple months. Stress from a family situation and the fact that I still had not accepted myself didn't help that much. I thought the family situation would break me but ironically (Is that the right use of that word, even?) it made me stronger. It was telling this family member "I'm sorry, but I can not take care of you until I learn to take care of myself. I have to have a handle on my OWN life before I can help you through your problems" and then putting the situation in the hands of people who could get them the help needed which made me see that I COULD be strong and make the right choices for me.

That was around the time I finally decided that I also deserved to feel loved, by myself if no one else. I started taking better care of my hygine, learning how to fix my hair, and learning to be PROUD of who I am, how I look, and what talents I had. Even when a guy I liked a lot turned me down for various reasons, I didn't let it get to me. Ok well maybe I did a LITTLE...but he and I stayed good friends and I look forward to seeing him this coming summer.

In August I got back online more, and started talking to one of my gamer friends. After a couple weeks I finally told him that if he was single I'd so be after him. Only to find out he'd broken up with his girlfriend in April, and had feelings for me as well. After much more talking, I finally accepted that this wasn't another joke on me, and that this feeling was actually real, and agreed to come to Texas with him when my contract was up.

By October I had lost over 80lbs, and gained a lot of self confidence. I'm not perfect, I still have my moments of doubt, but who doesn't? Even through the hell of the last few months my boyfriend and I have stood side by side, and he's helped me learn more about myself, my confidence, and my patience. I can even watch his seven year old hyperactive niece and her stepsister without flipping out the way I would have before.

Yesterday I got the offer to go back to YNP. Boyfriend should hear either tomorrow or Monday if he gets an invite, but it sounds like the test and such are just a formality at this point, he's got the dates he'll be there already. I can not wait to share the wonder of Yellowstone with him, and to start this new chapter in our lives.

Musings: Message boards and Finding a good dog.

I used to post on a message board on AOL called This and That Too. Met one of my best online friend's there. After a couple years though, I got so sick of the petty squabbles that more or less would end up of each person accusing anyone who disagreed with them of lying. Try to use logic on a message board and you get called all sorts of interesting names. Most of which would never be used in polite company. Once in awhile I look at other message boards these days but rarely do I post.

Today I saw an interesting reminder of why, and I felt bad because I've actually met the girl under attack. The thread can be seen here:

https://forums.craigslist.org/?all=N&areaID=21&forumID=26
Look for the post titled "Frustrated" and follow the thread.

Now, I don't know the girl well, she's not a friend, we met a couple of times hiking in the park is all. She worked at a different location than I did (at least I would assume she did as I never saw her around Mammoth).  I suspected it was her because her handle was actually the same as one of my emails--not stolen mind you, just when you go from Yellowstone to Dallas ynp2dfw makes a kinda cool email or message board handle. I'd say she has good taste! As to why that made me think it was her in particular...the last time we saw each other on the trail, we stopped to chat for a few minutes, and she mentioned that her boyfriend had gotten a job in Dallas.

I had gone on the board because when I looked at it a few days ago there were happy threads of people posting holiday pictures of their fur-babies. "This place can't be too bad!" was my thought. I'd gone back today intending to post some pictures of my darling Puck. Then I started reading recent threads.

Now, granted, the OP is no angel herself, getting upset and accusing people of not being able to read--although I see her point. People were constantly twisting what she had said, which has to get frustrating in itself. She had only posted the part of her story that frustrated her, but when she tried to add the little details about things she hadn't been upset about (for instance, explaining that she and the person she was to get the dog from had originally discussed an 8:30ish AM call in order to arrange a morning pick up, when her original post just said that the woman was to call her in the morning)--she is accused of changing her story or flat out lying.

Here's the basic run down on facts as I gathered reading through the thread, and I don't see anything in her story changing:

1) OP and her BF own a Truck (not explicitly mentioned in the first post)
2) Truck had been promised to be loaned to the BF's father to move furniture on the afternoon of the day in question, long before arrangements were made about the dog.
3) OP and BF are looking to add a dog to their home, and Craigslist is one of the places they have been looking.
4) OP had been arranging to pick up a doberman pup that was offered to her. Pup in question was Aprox 4 months old and had been found, malnourished, on the side of the road. OP aware that there could be behavior and health issues.
5) OP has experience with Dobermans (I think she mentioned owning one in the past but I cannot recall for certain)
6) OP and Woman With Dog (WWD from here on) had agreed that WWD would call OP around 8:30am (In the morning) to arrange a morning pick up.
7)WWD calls (or rather text-to-landline--which I didn't know existed) OP at 11:45 am with a message asking if 3o'clock would work. No mention of where.
8) Op returns call saying that 3 SHOULD work, but she is unsure and to please call her to make arrangements.
9) WWD Calls at 2:45. OP (or as I found out in email, OP's BF) explains to the woman that Dad isn't done with the truck, they don't know if they can get a hold of him right away, and that they will call her when they know anything, which may take awhile.
10)OP calls WWD back when they find out, leaves a message letting WWD know that they can meet her either that evening or the next day, message is left aprox 5pm. No call back. Op Calls again in morning, still no call back. OP calls again in late afternoon. Again, no returned call. As of 10am this morning, OP had still not heard anything.


I've read through the thread three times now, and I don't see where she changes anything, just explains details.  Yet she is told that she is lying because her original post didn't mention a morning meeting, only a morning call. She is told that she is a 'flake' because she couldn't make the 3pm appointment that everyone claims had been set, even though she had never confirmed it. She points out several times that SHOULD work does not equal DOES work.

Another thing she is jumped on about is that she didn't call the woman back right away upon not being able to reach her BFs father. Now, I don't know about anyone else, but when someone tells me they're going to be awhile getting back to me, I don't expect a call within 5 minutes. Two hours when someone tells me they need to reach someone else (especially if I am told the other person is unsure about being able to reach them) seems perfectly reasonable. I would not consider them a flake, nor would I be upset about my time being wasted. Especially if I had already delayed the meeting once myself, as WWD had.

Some of the things she is jumped on are sheer attacks though, and the logic is odd at best.

1) She is pretty much told that she is trapped all day and a bad pet owner if her BF has their only vehicle all day and that she should get a second car before a second dog. Even after stating that she has no desire for a second car people keep on her. She explains that everything she needs is within walking distance--Doctors, Hospitals, Vets, Grocery, Pharmacy, etc.... and I know the trails this girl hikes back at the park, walking in town is going to be no problem for her!

So they tell her "So you're going to carry an 80lbs sick dog to the vet?"

Actually, if she could strap him to her back she probably could, hiking packs can get pretty heavy but that's a whole different topic. She patiently explains that if the dog was too sick to walk she would get a house call.  Frankly that seems like the more responsible pet ownership to me. Lets see...drag sick dog out to car, then into an environment that is stressful for most dogs on a good day, vs have friendly vet come to the house, where the dog is comfortable and feels safe. Yep sounds good to me, and I've asked her to send me names of some local vets who will do that too (She had her vet from back home recommend a few that she knew of, I found out in the email)


2) She's crazy for looking for a dog on Craigslist and a horrible person for not looking at shelter or rescue dogs (along with the fallacy that you do not "LOOK AT" rescues, they MATCH you to a dog. Not always true. Most rescues post pictures of their available dogs, along with a back story of them, and then you apply. If you and the dog are a match, then you go from there).

According to the posters berating this girl:

*All people on Craigslist lie about their dog.
*Getting a dog from a shelter or rescue is an absolute guarantee of health and temperament
*Any dog this girl gets from Craigslist will have many many problems and she will absolutely have to hire a trainer and behaviorist.

Let me speak from experience here. I've had dogs from shelters/rescues, dogs from craigslist, and dogs that I or a friend have just found abandoned. In fact I still have a dog from each of those categories. Well my mom has two of them.

Chloe, 2 yrs old, from shelter/rescue: 
Lives with mom

 She's the black one. The brown one is Imhotep, my soon-to-be-ex husband's dog.




What we were told
A little nervous but that if we worked with her, she would be fine. She only barks when she first meets someone and warms up to them quickly if they pick her up and cuddle her.

Shelter/Rescue adoption process
Fill out this one page form, give us the rabies tag numbers of your other dogs so that we know you vaccinate, give us the almighty money. There ya go, dog is yours. Process took less than an hour.

Now granted this was a local humane society and I know most rescues do more than that.

The Reality
Chloe has been with my mother for over a year now (possibly 2--so she might be three years old now, I'm not sure lol).The ONLY people she has warmed up to are the immediate family, the housekeeper, one cousin who spends most of her time at the house, and my best friend who was with us when we got her.  Anyone else is snapped at, growled at, and barked at the entire time they are in the house, even if mom puts Chloe in another room. If any dog I have ever met needed a behaviorist, its Chloe. Of course, after my cousin's damn dog attacked her, she needs it even more, and now mom just babies her that much worse....

Grim, 5 yrs old, found by a friend after being literally kicked out of a car at McDonalds
Lives with mom

What we were told

"Hey I saw this dog get kicked out of a car at McDonalds as I was leaving work today. The owners just drove off and left her there!"

The Adoption Process:

"Do you want her? I can't keep her....Cool I'll be there with her in about 10 minutes"

The Reality

Grim is a great little dog. Spoiled rotten with a minor case of SDS, but more from mom and grandpa than where we got her. When we got her she had a lot of fleas and was slightly underfed. A trip to the vet cleared that up, and we got her fixed as soon as we were able. 

Puck, 1.5 yrs old (though we're questioning that and have a vet appt set up), found for free on Craigslist:

Lives with Me

What we were told:

Puck is a rescue who needed a forever home. The lady we got her from had gotten her from a friend who had gotten her from a rescue. She's a year and a half old, fixed, well behaved, and mostly housebroken. She does still chew on things but if you give her her ball or a bone or rawhide she'll chew exclusively on those.

The adoption process:

3 phone calls and a meet up at 7-11 to bring her home.

The reality:

This is probably one of the BEST dogs I have ever owned. She doesn't jump, she doesn't bark, she obeys most commands (We finally mastered Shake the other day!) She doesn't pull on her leash usually (she does get freaked if some of the larger dogs in the area come around and will just about drag me back to the house if I don't stand firm). Plays well with most other dogs. We've had a couple of chewing incidents (always my stuff. Never AJs.....grrr.) and the last couple of weeks a couple of potty accidents but we are working on those and she's doing quite well. She doesn't chew the furniture (good thing since its rented!) or even get up on the couch or armchair. She does get in our bed to sleep when we're not in it, but I don't mind that. We did call the vet listed on her rabies tag to confirm her shots and her status as being fixed.

Now I realize these girls are each just one example, but they seem to be perfect examples of what I've found time after time. Another dog I used to own from Craigslist, a lab/beagle mix named Buster was an AMAZING dog. So have been many of the dogs my friends have gotten. Yes, I've seen some with issues too, but thats going to happen anywhere, just as a dog being from a shelter or rescue does NOT promise that they're perfect. Just like anywhere else, you do have to be careful. That goes for Shelters, Rescues, Breeders, AND Craigslist, and it certainly doesn't rule out any of them

Another thing they attacked her for was because it was a free dog they said she only wanted a free dog or that she didnt have proof from her landlord of being allowed to have a pet. Even after she stated that she was also looking at shelters and rescues (thats when she was told you don't look at rescues, they match you. Yes, they match you, after you LOOK at them and see if they have a dog you might like. I know I for one would not blindly let a shelter match me up with a dog unless it was one I was at least somewhat interested in, and I've seen rescues that charge you part of their fee before they match you. If none of their dogs are what you want, they keep the fee and your paperwork until they do have one. I'm hoping this is not how most rescues operate but it's what I found when helping a friend look into rescues for a breed she was interested in.

Frankly, the whole thread is crazy. People would not act like this face to face, or if they were held accountable. What has happened to social grace and tact? This was the girl's first time posting on the message board. They reamed her for it being "in the wrong place". It was about a trend she was seeing on the Pets ads for here in Fort Worth (something I've noticed as well actually), she clicked on the link provided on the pet ads for discussions. She narrowed it down to her hometown. Seems to me like that would be the right place. Anyway, her "Welcome" being as it was, she says she will not be posting there again, and frankly I will not be posting there either. I have to wonder how many other pet owners they've driven away that might have been seeking advice or even just to talk with other pet lovers, but upon seeing the hostility changed their mind?

Just an update to say I'm sorry I haven't written lately. Things have been a little crazy as I get settled in Texas. My boyfriend's step-mom was diagnosed with cancer and in the hospital most of last week, just coming home today. Then this morning I get a message from my cousin telling me to call my mom--sure enough, my grandfather is in the hospital. Please pray for these special people! They mean a lot to us!

Learning to Let go--Self Forgiveness

No matter how much we talk of self love and self respect, we will all have our moments. No human can be perfectly confident or treat themselves perfectly every day of their life, no matter how much we try. Even when we really, really want to be. To use myself as an example:

Last December I began having health issues, which may be either UC or Crohns. I have not gone through full diagnosis yet but I believe it to be Crohns (until tonight I was leaning more towards UC but finally found some good articles explaining the differences). Began…who am I kidding—looking back through my history I’m fairly sure I had my first major flare when I was 18.  Anyway. To deal with this I have to be very careful about my diet. Several foods are big no-nos. Several of my favorite foods.

On this list of foods I’m not supposed to have, the top three are Milk (and a few other dairy products, unless lactose free), caffeine, and alcohol. I say not supposed to because I fully admit I have very weak willpower when it comes to such. Take tonight: Right now there is a Diet Coke and Bacardi sitting next to me. Further down the dresser is the cup from the milkshake I had earlier. Yep, I’m a bad girl, and I have been for several days now.

I’m suffering for it too, but it doesn’t fully deter me. I know I have no one to blame for my pain and the hours in the bathroom but myself.

 I know that eating these things and ignoring my body’s reactions are exactly the opposite of what I need to be doing. We all know this when we do things like this, be it an addiction—drugs, smoking, alcohol, food; or just something little—“I can skip the gym today, no big deal” or “Well I know I’m hurting but if I do one more set…”; even things like not putting makeup on or skipping a shower. We KNOW we shouldn’t. That doesn’t stop us.

AND IT’S OK! REALLY!

I’m not saying that we should blow off these things entirely. What I’m saying is that beating ourselves up over these little slip ups doesn’t make them go away, or make the situation any better. Do your best to get back on track. (I, for one, will be cutting caffeine out again as of tomorrow. Without the coke I won’t drink the alcohol. Not a fan of plain rum!) Use a support network (Such as the fact that I’m going to tell AJ to kind of keep an eye on me on these things. The alcohol isn’t a problem; I can go a long time without that. The caffeine and dairy on the other hand….)